Thursday, August 19, 2010
Zips Criss Cut Crisis
I haven't been witness to the horror of this travesty myself, but a friend of mine told me last night that he had just been to Zips with the intention of ordering the same thing he's ordered for decades: two Papa Joes and a tub of Criss Cuts. The counters girl's reply was as cold and dry as an arctic tundra or Sarah Palin's ****: "Sorry, they've been discontinued".
My friend said the words made his heart pound, his head throb and his knees go weak. Discontinued. Dis.cont.in.ued. He said he felt like she might as well have told him "Sorry, your grandmother is discontinued", for the sense of loss and confusion was sudden and overwhelming. No more Zips Criss Cuts. Ever.
His appetite immediately disappeared, and as is normal with the grieving process, his sadness changed to anger as he turned on his heel and exited stage right, announcing haughtily "Well then, missy! I guess you just lost this customer for good!"
Personally, I would have probably just said "Then I guess it's gonna have to be tater tots for this bitch from now on" and lived with it, I still find the idea rather upsetting. I remember Mom surprising us with tubs of Criss Cuts from Zips when I was growing up, and there was something unique and magical about them, and plus, they could hold gobs of that Zips trademark tartar sauce like no other fried side in the world.
The question then is "Why?" Why would Zips kill one of their tastiest and most popular items? Is it the bad economy? Do we blame Obama for this one? (You know people will.) Are they simply considered gauche and out-of-style next to younger, sexier onion rings with their dark Hollywood tans? Were they just discontinued by the evil overlords that manufacture them? We the people want answers. The only other place to get them is Carl's Jr. and Carl's Jr. is fully disgusting, so that won't be happening anytime soon.
Perhaps it's time for the good residents of Coeur d'Alene to band together and rise up in support of the mighty Criss Cuty fry and demand that Zips bring it back immediately! Meanwhile, I hope you'll join my friend and I in boycotting the restaurant until they come to their senses and give the people back the glorious friend potato product they've come to adore and make part of their families. Well, you can join my friend at least. I can't possibly go any length of time without their awesome Halibut-n-Chips.