Bad Online Local Restaurant Review Roundup

Generally speaking, I like to try and point out the positive aspects of a restaurant in my reviews if I can, and if the place is rotten enough, I won't even bother to do a write up. Customer review websites like Trip Advisor or Yelp are full of user-generated commentary about many of North Idaho's eating establishments, and people can be brutally honest in relating their bad experiences. Disgust, disappointment, diarrhea. You name it.

Some of these armchair reviewers rant for no good reason and some are completely spot-on but either way, I always enjoy reading the complaints of the "man on the street." Seems almost no local eateries are immune from persnicketyness. For your amusement, here are some random highlights I've come across.

Restaurateurs, take heed. The people have spoken.

By the way, just out of fairness, I'll reprint some of the best GOOD reviews in an upcoming post.

Angelo's Ristorante, Cd'A

"The decor can best be described as having been put together by a prison arts and crafts class having met a Jo-Anne's Fabric fire-sale. (Not the best layout for clausterphobes like me). Oh - and I've heard the same soundtrack now each time I've been there. It's Sinatra (odd), Italian opera (too heavy) - and whoever sings, "That's Amore" (a little cliche, no?)... Make a good place great - fire your decorator, find some merry Italian tunes to play - and let your restaurant be a blank canvas so your food is what leaves people talking..."
-Elite '09, Yelp

Azteca, Cd'A

"Worst enchiladas I have ever had (no flavor and on the cool side with unmelted cheese) and to top it off, when I mentioned it to the server, he said he would talk to the manager. Then, he came back with the check and no word about the enchiladas. When I inquired, he said that was how they were and blew it off. We did not leave a tip (for other reasons too like no drink service until we kept asking). Don't waste your time or money..."
-Kathleen S., Yelp

Bardenay, Cd'A

"The service is average to downright terrible. When you walk in, 90% of the time there's no one at the host/hostess stand, and twice we've even had to get up and get our own utensils wrapped in napkins. The place is notoriously understaffed or staffed with young kids that know not what they're doing. Forgive them Father. My last debacle was with a group of 8 martini fanatics. Each of us had like 3 drinks, and they're not cheap, so the bill was running probably $200 - $350. At 9:00 p.m. the waiter tells us he's going home and we now have to move from our table to the bar if we want service because no one will be doing table service from here on. We took this table because it's winter and we're in front f the fireplace. Are you kidding me!? The tab is still open, and this group is just getting warmed up. We ended up settling the bill and walking out, to another establishment that wanted to keep it's customers.
-Bordan B., Yelp

The Beacon, Cd'A

"The bartender is kind of standoffish, and he'll serve you some kind of blush if you don't specifically ask for red, and he doesn't pour Guinness properly. He probably can, he just doesn't do it for out of towners because he's kind of passive aggressive. He has to let you know where you stand somehow. I'm just speculating about this last part."
-matthew r., Yelp

Bonsai Bistro, Cd'A

"My husband ordered a Patron Silver Magarita and the waitress brought him a platinum then charging us $75.00 for the drink. Even after we asked them about it they refused to change the charge and I was embarassed as the bartender yelled obnoxiously over the dinner crowd about the situation. Loud enough for him to be heard from the bar all the way to our table on the upper level near the far window. Coming to find out he was the manager as well I wasn't likely to want to discuss it with someone who sounded like a drunk making idiot of himself. The food was basically an exact copy of PF Changs and it was a shorter drive than Spokane, however, after this experience the longer drive sounds lovely."
-Panda_200SX, TripAdvisor

"My girlfriend has Celiac Disease whiich means she is allergic to gluten. More and more restaraunts are catering to people with food allergies, The bonsai has a gluten free menu which was perfect since we were staying across the street. After ingesting half an order of GF lettuce wraps the waitress showed up and indicated we were given the wrong ones. Nice! Here's the capper... no manager ever showed up to apologize and all they offered was to take the lettuce wraps off the ticket. Yes my girlfriend got sick and yes you should avoid this place if you're gluten free, they don't really care."
-rdrr7, TripAdvisor

Brix, Cd'A

"Fancy interior with poorly designed lighting. I had a difficult time seeing my friend across the table! The service was lame. Two people at my table ordered soup. They ran out of soup, served one person at my table, but not the other. 15 minutes later she got the waiters attention, asked about her soup and he explained. Was he hoping she'd forget? The food was bar food dressed up - pretty, but still fried, fried, fried. I wouldn't recommend it."
-Scottie H., Yelp

Cafe Chulo, Cd'A

"I recently went to Cafe Chulo and Im guessing that Chulo in Spanish means crap because it was like eating crap. I mean no disrespect if Chulo is the owners last name but it was terrible. Obviously the Chef doesnt try his own recipe unless he or she likes eating crap. We didnt tick anyone off so we know that wasnt it. I would recommend Cafe Chulo to anywho who like to eat crap. I know its Idaho and good Mexican is scarce (not really), but they could at least try."
-Joe, Yahoo! Local

Canton, Cd'A

"We had the lunch specials ($6) and they were cheap but abominable. This definitely takes the cake for the worst chinese food I have ever eaten. Chow mein = pieces of little long crackers. Pork fried rice = rice sprinkled with bacon bits. Lo mein = tasteless noodles with soy sauce. Almond chicken or lemon chicken = questionable meat heavily breaded with a 1/3 inch of crust. But perhaps I have different tastes than most. I will admit, that the waitress was very nice. So I feel bad about writing this honest review."
-MH, Yelp

Casa de Oro, Cd'A

"Went to this restaurant for the first time with my wife and two year old son. We asked for guacamole and after we were half we threw it I realized I was chewing on a staple and a small piece of paper. After informing the waiter, he told me that the paper was from the package they use to make the guacamole, as if it may have happened before. I am not sure if they also often have staples in there food? It was fortunate it was not my two year old son who was chewing on it! My wife and I were turned off our food after this, yet what we did eat was still not particularly good. We would recommend you do not visit this restaurant, especially if you have children!"
-disappointed d, Insider Pages

Cedars Floating Restaurant, Cd'A

"The menu items were mostly $25+ and there wasn't much on the menu at all. Definitely no variety. The menus them selves were flimsy printed paper menus which had no aesthetic value at all and napkin coasters seemed to be the method for the drinks. The parking isn't all that great for the amount of patrons that visit the place and the road to get there might as well be a bombing range for what its worth. The road is frost heaved, lumpy and pot holed all the way down and has 2 speed bumps. Be sure to drive slow. I found the day I went to make the reservations that on a windy day the cross winds that blow over the gantry leading from the parking lot down to the restaurant can certainly knock u down if you are not careful."
-nomad7742, TripAdvisor

"Didn't even make it to the actual meal!!! Planned to eat at the Cedars with the family, but left immediately following the appetizers. Not only did we have two bugs in the drinks we ordered, but the waiter was not apologetic and did not even mention he would provide a drink on the house. Rather it appeared as if the occurrence was quite common. Furthermore, our shifty waiter had no idea what anything on the menu was, could not tell us how often they got their fish or when the last delivery had arrived. Upon checking, he provided an unconvincing explanation that the fish had just arrived. Our appetizers were bland and had clearly been frozen. Drinks from the bar were absolutely pathetic, especially given the prices. All in all, an unclean place with a shifty and disinterested waitstaff and sub-par food. Better bet to go into town somewhere. If this place has been in business for 30 years, they have clearly had the chance to get it right, but have failed miserably"
-bigtimer78, TripAdvisor

Chef in the Forest, Hauser

"None of our food was very good. The potatoes and the smoked trout were bland and 2 of the 4 steaks we got were so tough and full of gristle that we sent one of them back. What was amazing was that the manager argued with us and ended up making my guests feel bad about it. I wouldn't pay McDonald's prices for this food, though McDonald's food does taste better."
-dane lowry, Google Reviews

Dockside, Cd'A

"This is probably one of my least favorite places to eat in Coeur d'Alene. The first time I went here they burned my entire families food I was very unimpressed. I decided to give the place a second shot much to my demise. My friends and I stopped by for lunch only to have one of the worst dinning experiences of my life. The waiter put us in the far back of tthe room even though there were plenty of tables open. This table was so horrible! I mean the window behind me had duck tape around the the frame to close a gap in the window. This is at the Resort which is suppose to be high end, suppose. The waiter was quite the snob to me and being one myself we ended up silently fighting each other. Then my food again was terrible. Plus the whole place is ugly, it's so unpleasant to look at. The patterns the colors everything is wrong."
-Logan-Ayers, TripAdvisor

"Had to request the server to wash off the sticky residue around the table...she said the staff cleans everything once a week. Once a week? How can a "World Class Establishment" only clean their dining room once a week??? Especially as the restaurants looks out over the lake & marina with huge windows letting in the sunlight! Then there was the shrimp cocktail...tiny, mushy, (maybe canned)room temperature shrimps piled on cocktail sauce & lettuce with here and there pockets of horseradish all served in a metal cup shaped like a martini glass. No silverware to eat this glop so we had to use our regular forks and put it on to our bread plates...what a terrible presentation! This type of shrimp is usually only used for a Shrimp Louie salad. This was followed by a Cashew Chicken Salad with very few cashews and the most awful, sour, dressing. Even the chicken tasted like canned, processed in water, fibrous cubes. What's so difficult about roasting a real chicken and cubing the meat for a salad at a supposedly "5 Star" Resort? The other person ordered the Firecracker Shrimp in Vodka Sauce, he managed to eat about a third of this but was up all night with an upset stomach. This wonderful repast cost only $65.00..."
-Sam2u, TripAdvisor

Fisherman's Market & Grill, Cd'A

"The owners and staff need a refresher course in customer service. First, serve people in the order they arrive. That means that a sushi order sitting there for 10 minutes already takes precedence over an order from someone who just sat down. Second, if you failed at number one, and the customer complains, don't make it worse by getting a snotty attitude. Instead, just apologize and make it right. DON'T lecture the patron about sushi requiring "patience."
-L, Google Reviews

Fleur de Sel, Post Falls

"What a huge disappointment. The "pro shop" decor left a lot to be desired but the hostess was awful. Contrary to urban myth most waiters / waitresses in Paris and the French countryside are friendly. This woman lives the myth that you need to be extremely rude."
-toodw, UrbanSpoon

G.W. Hunters, Post Falls

"Walking in G. W. Hunters reminded us of the Ace Ventura movie where Jim Carey looks around and says "What a lovely room of death." My wife, was visibly taken aback at these 'trophies' on the wall and while I would not decorate a restaurant with them they did not really bother me...I tried the elk burger since our friends highly recommended it. Elk like buffalo are both lean meats and should be cooked slowly so as to not dry them out. This was not the case it was grilled over high heat and ended up dry, chewy and tasteless."
-Steven T., Yelp

Hudson's Hamburgers, Cd'A

"Avoid this place if you don't want to get sick.... First time in look for the pan of raw burger meat on the counter and cheese and raw veggies right next to it. I worked in Coeur d' Alene for a number of years and never saw them wash their hands or refrigerate the meat. High prices for a simple burger without fries. Don't even think of asking for a shake."
-boyerbl, TripAdvisor

"What a disappointment. After hearing for years, "You HAVE to have a Huddy burger!" I couldn't wait. My wife and I entered the crowded closet of a place, and finally found adjacent stools. When we were seated, we watched as the cook pressed out paper-thin burger patties and served them up Belushi-style (NO COKE! PEPSI!) Our burgers were thrown in front of us unceremoniously, as we were asked, "Drink?" with the air of, "Time's wasting, tell me what you want, quick." To drive this point home, people behind us were impatiently lined up, shifting their weight from one foot to the other, so they could have their shot at the trough. Certainly it would all be worth it when the wonder-burger hit our lips...Nah. Plain old paper-thin burger in an assembly line atmosphere."
-justagoodmeal, TripAdvisor

Iron Horse, Cd'A

"On our way in, the door was blocked with people putting up holiday decorations. When we were seated there were 3 boys from about 10 to 14 yo shouting accross the room to one another about the decoration project. Then a woman started sweeping the carpet (with a straw broom not a sweeper), kicking up dust close to us and other patrons. That was enough for me but my wife, the forgiving soul, was hungry so we stayed. Synopsis: hair in salad; late, almost cold food; at times perfunctory service; no offer of consideration. When I pointed out the reason for zero tip to the cashier I got this vacuous, so why tell me look."
-Anonymous, TripAdvisor

"Stopped in on our trip from Missoula to Spokane last week (after reading about how great the crab cakes were on this board). Bartender/waiter was wearing big old baggy shorts with his underwear hanging out. Fly was half unzipped. Grungy shoes with no socks. Carried his order book down the back of his pants. Blech. Bathroom was disgusting. Doors don't latch and half falling off. Toilets didn't flush (finally, after the third try, which explains why the toilets in the other four stalls weren't "clean").We had one drink. No way I'd eat there. Can't imagine what the kitchen looks like. *shudders*"
-Karol 221, Virtual Tourist

"We sat down to order and there was only ONE waitress on staff running between the bar and the cafe. She took our oder and it took 50 minutes for it to get to us! Which is ridiculous and we were trying to entertain our two children this entire time. When our food came out it was COLD! The plates were warm, but the food was COLD and the kid's fries were solid as rocks. It is obvious that they now are catering more towards the bar aspect of the business, and leaving the cafe in the rust. Our bill was $42 and we got CRAP in return! We will NOT be going back!"
-Beezer, Judy's Book

Japan House, Cd'A

"I am a sushi lover. Japan house has the worst sushi I've ever encountered. The rice was dry & undercooked, the seaweed wrapped around the rolls was chewy, and it was $8 for an order of tempura green beans. Their idea of an "order" is TWO BEANS!!! I live around the corner and was soooo happy to have sushi coming in within walking distance of my house. I'd rather walk across the street to the MouseTrap and have deep-fried mushrooms."
-dbarrelracer, TripAdvisor

Las Palmitas, Cd'A

"My family ate here on vacation and the food was OK but the service was terrible. Very unfriendly servers and when I asked for plates for the chips - they handed me the plates to pass around the table! Strange!"
-Deb, Urbanspoon

Oishii Sushi, Sandpoint

"The wait staff was dressed in red dress shirts, black slacks and black fedora hats, OK got the gangster theme. I went to the bathroom, because I figured that the theme would be carried throughout the entire place, I was wrong. The men's bathroom was a boring tan with a sink and toilet, not even a gangster toilet (whatever that could be). Now that the style was all taken in, lets get to the food. Unfortunately, the only thing more bland than the bathroom was the sushi."
-Jason S., Yelp

Panhandler Pies, Sandpoint

"I was surprised when people in our party wanted to order pies, they were out of almost all that were ordered. Is this not called Panhandler PIES?? The pieces that they did have came out so tiny and very sad looking. My three year old makes a better looking pie! "
-Elite '09, Yelp

Perkins, Cd'A

"I took my wife out for what was suppose to be a nice dinner on her birthday. We had to wait almost 40 min for our food to get to the table. when it got there my cod and shrimp dinner had one small cod fillet and six small shrimp and cost more than 10.00. When I said something to the cashier all she said "I guess next time you should go some place else" . I would not recomend this place to anyone ."
-randyluthi, InsiderPages

Rancho Viejo, Post Falls,
"I ordered a margarita and they gave me a much more expensive one. When I asked about it, they said they don't offer the one I wanted even though it was on the menu! Also, my pregnant wife ordered a virgin margarita and they put alcohol in it, and claimed the mistake was OURS! No apology or anything. We're never going there again."
-coachjsl, Google Reviews

Takara, Cd'A

"Three of us went to dinner at Takara, and three of us spent the next 24 hours on the toilet with diarrhea, nausea, and abdominal pain. We should have left the restaurant after we noticed our sushi chef was not only making our sushi, but also picking up a pen and writing orders, handling receipts, etc., without washing his hands before returning to the sushi. The sushi itself was decent, but the sanitary conditions of the restaurant are highly unsatisfactory. We will NEVER eat here again!"
-idahobug, TripAdvisor

Thai Bamboo, Cd'A

"The Thai Bamboo is Spokane provides passable Thai food, but this one in CdA is awful. TheIr Pad Thai tasted like it was made with KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce, without even a hint of peanut sauce. The green curry sauce was OK, but anyone who has eaten real Thai food will not enjoy this restaurant."
-Arunkun, Urban Spoon

Tito Macaroni, Cd'A

"The second time we ate there, they were slow, slow, slow. We were starving, so it really was like torture. The bathroom situation is so very inconvenient, as you have to go out into the shopping mall, walk a ways and go down a flight of stairs. Plus, it is hot and stuffy down there."
-Yami, TripAdvisor

White House Grill, Post Falls

"I think the words from the 8 year old that was dining with our group are telling - he called his meal "garlicky slop on a plate". Service was good, bread was over-proofed and tasteless, pasta horribly overcooked, chicken and lamb dishes were also overcooked and dry, lamb was very greasy, and the sauces were very thick, almost pudding like with garlic being the only flavor that stood out. Without trying to be too rude my comment to my wife was the dinners were like "Hungry-man meals gone horribly wrong."
-RetiredChef2, TripAdvisor

What's The Buzz: August 14-20

Weekly Recommendations: Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

Thursday, August 14
I'm a cat person. I'm really not that into dogs at all. I can tolerate certain ones, but I don't have the time or inclination to take care of such a needy beast. Cats just do cat things all day and you don't have to worry about it, save for filling the food bowl now and again. Dogs whine at the door, bark in the wee hours of the morn, sniff each others' dirty bits and shit right in the middle of everything.

If dogs rock your world, tonight is your big night in downtown Coeur d'Alene where the first annual "Dog d'Alene" event will be shaking like a chihuahua with a full bladder. The poochie parade is sponsored by Petco and the Downtown Association along with the Kootenai County Humane Society and will feature booths full of crap for your spoiled rotten little mutt.

Dog d'Alene is part of the "Sherman Alive!" extravaganza gala event that is being held every Thursday this month downtown, where they close the street and become a "pedestrian mall" between 5:30 and 9 p.m. Too bad most downtown businesses are too foolish to take the opportunity to actually stay open late and join in the festivities. C'mon business owners, it wouldn't kill you to stay open a few hours later!


Friday, August 15
I've always generally enjoyed Rob's Seafood, Burgers and Discount Cigs, so I was going to recommend a visit to the old-school Post Falls eatery today, then I stumbled across a new local food blog called Dad's Diner. Dad took the whole family to Rob's lately and was somewhat less-than impressed by the quality of the food. More importantly, he was horrified by the grunge and the unappetizing lack of tact shown by the staff. Hm. after reading this, I think I might stick with Paul Bunyan.

The place smelled like people actually smoked there. The salt & pepper shakers were greasy to the touch and the tables were coated in grime. What looks like "marbling" in the tables paint is simply grime that comes off if you rub your finger across it. Yuck-O!

Buckle up, here comes the worst part of this visit! The customer service & handling of the food. The employees here do not seem to take their job seriously. They go from handling packs & cartons of cigarettes to putting their unwashed hands on the hamburger buns. The oldest lady there (a manager, owner?) was eating pickles or fries (didn't have my glasses on) then picked up two buns & dressed them ( put on condiments) in her hands. The same unwashed hands she just put to her mouth while eating. I obviously have a lot of complaints concerning this place. But employees eating the food they are serving to customers, in view of the customers ranks real high on my pet peeve list!

So, why did the lady at Rob's prepare those burgers in her hands instead of using the prep table. Well, so the big, lazy teenage boy could lye half his body on it and roll his head on it of course! Yes! This really happened. Then when they caught us watching they gave us some uncomplimentary glances.

Read the full review here.

Saturday, August 16
Back in the dark ages of the mid 90's, I lived in Seattle and one of our favorite sleazy haunts was a bar called the Brass Connection. It wasn't exactly the kind of place you'd want to take dear Auntie Mavis for tea and sandwiches, that's for sure. No, this was a throbbing disco of the gay variety. The pitchers of beer were cold and $3 and the people watching was beyond far-out.

One random evening the Brass Connection stage was invaded by at least a dozen sneering drag queens in big red wigs as "A Night of 1000 Wynonna's" unfurled before us. One by one they took to the stage, makeup melting under the spotlight as they lip-synced to hits like "No One Else on Earth"and "Girls With Guitars". I'm not the world's biggest fan of Ms. Judd, and I'm reluctant to agree with those who tag her "the female Elvis", but I kinda like her style, especially when it's parodied and paid tribute to by a set of huge trannys, some nearly as large as Wynonna herself.

Tonight's Cd'A Casino performance by the woman herself probably won't be nearly as fun or memorable as the drag version, but after all this is Idaho so it'll have to do. Poor Wynonna's career has yet to really rebound from the 2003 drinking-and-driving incident tarnished her once-shimmering country-queen crown, leaving her to thanklessly tour the Casino circuit for the rest of eternity. See you at the buffet, Wy-wy.

Videofy yourself, Wynonna style:


Wynonna "I Want to Know What Love Is"

Sunday, August 17
When I was growing up, one of my family's cheapest form of entertainment was to go to Open Houses and Parade of Homes events. It was fun traipsing through gorgeous homes we'd never be able to afford in new neighborhoods that were mere forests six months earlier. We'd settle in for a while, have a snack, maybe watch some TV - we would "try out" the place, fantasizing that we'd just moved in to our beautiful new home, often to the chagrin of the sneering real estate agents who were afraid to say anything rude in case we actually did have the money to buy the house.

Watching HGTV a ton in the last few years has brought a new dimension to visiting open houses as well: being able to critique the presentation and sellability of the home. Would that hyper-critical mean-spirited mother and daughter team on "Secrets That Sell" approve of or blanche at how well the realtor is marketing the place to the public. Note: dress up a little nice so you're at least taken seriously by the snotty real estate folks who hover around. You want to be able to get away with napping on the rent-to-own couch. Sundays are a great day to go Open House hopping, and here's a good place to start today - a couple of neighboring homes in Syringa Heights built by Bill Kohl and inspired by Frank Lloyd Wright with tremendous lake views. Full article & details here.


Monday, August 18
Today's as good a day as any to introduce yourself to the odd brilliance of Coeur d'Alene ventriloquist Hilma Volk and her many witty puppet "friends." A Google search reveals Volk is now a massage therapist and has a cowboy poet past and that, delightfully, her nickname is "Volcano". After discovering her videos, I'm a Hilma-head for sure. I say she's a unique contributor to North Idaho culture. Hilma, where can we catch your act in the flesh? For a full dose of everything Hilma, visit her site ManureHappens.com.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your videotronic pleasure:



Hilma (Volcano) Volk & Friends

Tuesday, August 19
Dig really really deep in the couch cushions and just maybe you'll come up with enough cash to attend the "Winemaker's Dinner" at Coeur d'Alene's chi-chi 315 Martinis & Tapas at the Greenbriar Inn. Actually, $60 a head seems almost semi-reasonable when you consider the over-the-top line-up of courses, as listed below, each served with a different interesting local wine. If you're in, you'll need to RSVP at 667-9660, and fer gosh sake, brush your hair and put on a clean shirt, kiddo, you don't want these people to think you're a poor slouch. Check out this Top Chef-worthy list of culinary creations:



1st Course

2007 L’Artiste Viognier
A light salad of butter lettuce and frisee
served with segments of naval orange and blood orange
dressed with a sweet garlic and cherry pepper vinaigrette
garnished with a chive chevre

2nd Course
2007 Chardonnay
Citrus beurre nante poached shrimp
served with an apple slaw on fresh nectarines
garnished with a roasted pepper jelly and cilantro oil

Intermezzo
A crisp sorbet made featuring 2006 No. 6 White
topped with a basil simple syrup
garnished with fresh basil leaves

4th Course
NV Switchback Red
Roasted pork tenderloin
grilled eggplant and charred grape tomatoes
parmesan and onion mashed potatoes
light currant broth

5th Course
2005 Stillwater Creek Syrah
Grilled and roasted rack of lamb
orzo pasta with gruyere cheese and crimini mushrooms
finished with braised pistachios and fresh plum sauce

Dessert
2005 No. 6 Red
A slice of luscious chocolate decadence
served with fresh berries
topped with a prickly pear and white peach mousse

Wednesday, August 20
It's Wednesday and there ain't nothing going on but the rent so swing by the newly opened Little Caesar's Pizza store in Coeur d'Alene (on Neider Ave. across from Costco) on your way home from work and grab a $5 Large Pepperoni pizza. Local pizza junkies were sick and sad ten or so years ago when the old Little Caesar's location (now home to Little Seattle Coffee Shop) was shuttered for good. It's not really the best pizza in the world, but it's cheap, consistent, fast, and All-American, pretty much the Pizza equivalent of a Big Mac. At Little Caesar's, everything is hot and ready to go, so there's no need to call ahead. Everyone I've run into lately to is abuzz with glee to have this place back on the scene, and I have to say I agree, although I see they no longer seem to carry the classic 2-packs of square pizzas in the paper wrapping that you had to rip open to get to the goods.

Enjoy your pizza over new episodes of Ghost Hunters tonight on the Sci-Fi channel. Nothing goes with hot steaming pepperoni pie like the boys of TAPS. lurking around in dark, haunted spaces with those glowy night vision eyes. Check it out on Time-Warner Channel 36 from 7-10, and prepare to become rapt by EMF readings and distantly heard clanks and clatters. The Top Ten Best Ghost Hunters clips video:


The Top Ten Best Video Clips From Ghost Hunters (TAPS)

What's the Buzz July 24-30

("What's the Buzz" has been relocated to the more logical spot of Thursday, so half this post is a rerun from Sunday. Terribly sorry for the deja vu, m'dear.)

Weekly Recommendations: Crunchy Pea and the Icky Chicken

Thursday, July 24
Post Falls Singer/Songwriter Tim Nagle relocated from Chicago to Idaho for some unexplainable reason several years ago. I discovered his music on MySpace last year and thought it was pretty darned good. There's this cool rocker dude who works where I do and for months I've been wondering to myself "Who is that cool rocker dude?" Researching this week's music calendar, I saw that Tim Nagle is playing Calypso's Coffee Shop tonight (with Mike Lykins) and whilst re-investigating his website it clicked: Hey. Tim Nagle is the rocker dude from work. Tim's emotive pop-rock reflects the obvious musical influence of classic acts including Oasis, Tim Buckley and the Beatles. Anyway a video clip of Tim in action so you'll have an idea of what to expect before you head downtown tonight at 7:30 to catch his show.




Friday, July 25
Booze of the Week: Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball is a Cinnamon Whiskey Liqueur that reminds me of fiery goofball Lucille Ball for two reasons. A. her maiden name on "I Love Lucy" was McGillicuddy, and B. because after a few shots, you'll be acting as goofy as Lucy under the influence of Vitameatavegamin. It's sweet like hundreds of melted Red Hot candies and tastes best right out of the freezer on a summer evening with reggae on the iPod shuffle and pork ribs sizzling on the grill. It's our booze of the week and tonight is the perfect night to invite other kids over to your house for some BBQ action and to investigate a frosty bottle. Check out the Albertson's deli for the side dishes. I think they make some of the best deli salads around, and my favorite is the Crunchy Pea salad, which is peas and cauliflower with bacon bits and a light sour cream dressing. I also completely dig the Chicken Cilantro Pasta Salad and don't forget to stock up on the green pistachio marshmallow foam.

Saturday, July 26
Not to date myself too much, but I remember when they used to have the annual Coeur d'Alene Tribal Pow Wow every year on the soccer field at NIC. Back then, it was pretty small and the awkward-to-pronounce name "Julyamsh" hadn't been adopted yet. Nowadays, the Pow Wow is a huge festival, one of the largest of it's kind in the country, so big that only the mighty Greyhound Race Track in Post Falls can contain it. Tribal members pour in from all over the place to celebrate their heritage through music, dancing and food and remind everyone who was here first. The event is open to everyone and is free of charge, but parking will cost you five bucks. Here's a nice little video from last years festivities:



Sunday, July 27
The Haggard Willies hold "Sunday Service" each and every weekend all summer long at 8 p.m. at the Iron Horse. The Spokane-based quartet cowboy up the rowdy Horse crowd with a sound they creatively describe as "A couple drunk jazz musicians falling down a long flight of stairs." Actually, they more like a Rockabilly twist on modern Toby Keith-style country than the traditional twang the name "Haggard Willies" might indicate. They seem to employ just enough irony to make them hip enough to appeal to the Iron Horse crowd, most of whom probably wouldn't make a habit of hanging out at real country bars like Big Al's or the Slab Inn. Thier MySpace says the band's main influences are Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey, Kokanee, Tequila, and Keystone and there will be plenty of all of the above available for the enjoyment of both band and audience. Preview the Haggard Willies via the magic of YouTube:



Monday, July 28
On your way to work today, you ought to swing by and see the latte hot-tay girls at Lean Bean Espresso hut on Sherman Ave. in front of Peterson's Grocery. Not only will you get some of the best coffee drinks around, you'll be reducing your "carbon footprint" as well, since Lean Bean has gone green. They now use recycled eco-friendly cups and napkins and also serve up a line of all-natural organic coffee by Thomas Hammer Roasting Co. They offer a full menu of yummy Bagel sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies bigger than your face and their prices beat the other coffee huts by far. My favorite Lean Bean coffee drink is their Mexican Mocha, which has a rich cinnamon undertone along with a thick, dark chocolateiness. That bean ain't so lean - it's certainly not a diet beverage. It must contain enough sugar to cause seizures in chinchillas, but is a wonderful occasional indulgence and combined with 3 shots of strong Java will get set alight the long wick of your work week: Bang!


Tuesday, July 29
In The Don't Even Bother Department: One place I likely won't be visiting today or anytime soon is the Chicken Basket on Northwest Boulevard near the skatepark in Cd'A. I finally checked the place out recently, after months of waiting and curiosity since the sign first appeared on the old railroad depot, and I was not impressed. The tragic part is, when I googled them searching for a menu, the first thing that came up was a real estate ad: "Turn key business for sale, everything included." Yep, they've only been open a few months and the owner is already trying to unload it. I'm not surprised they're suffering considering the less-than-stellar experience I had there. I don't have the heart to write a full review of the sad place and make them suffer in print - I'm just not that cruel. Anyway, the counter girl had a look on her face that said "I'd rather die than have to stand here taking orders from you assholes." I ordered a chicken strips basket to go. The menu indicated it would include fries, coleslaw and a dinner roll for $7.99 - the price seemed a little steep, but I pictured a lot of food. During the nearly 15 minute wait for my food, the only other customer, a very deaf old man, struck up a conversation with me. "You ever tried this place before?" I kept having to repeat myself 3-4 times before he could understand my replies. "Better be pretty damn good" he concluded, and rightly so since he'd been waiting even longer than me. When Ms. WannaDie finally handed me my dinner, it was in the form of a suspiciously small paper box.

I got home and opened it up to find a ream of wax paper containing a small handful of cold unsalted french fries and two flat , dark brown chicken filets. No cole slaw, no roll. That evil witch forgot to include my coleslaw and dinner roll, and I was already home, too hungry to go back and complain. So pissy. The chicken was overcooked to the point of tasting charred. The crusty old Safeway deli does better chicken strips and at a fraction of the cost. They do offer family sized buckets of "broiled" (they tout this repeatedly as if it were somehow amazing and special) chicken, but take my advice, skip the Chicken Basket and head for some good old fashioned Chester Fried at Peterson's Grocery Deli on East Sherman (wow, two mentions in one week...)


Wednesday, July 30
There's never anything much worth getting gussied up for on Wednesday nights and that's fine with me because I'm way caught up in the new season of Bravo TV's Project Runway (Tonight at 9 p.m., Time-Warner channel 66). There's no fierce young genius scene stealing divas on par with last years big winner, Christian Siriano ("Hot Tranny Mess"), although painfully tanorexic Yakima resident Blayne has been working hard to coin this season's catchphrase ("Girlicious"? I like Suede's "wackadoodle" much better.) My early fave is last week's winner Kelli, who had turned vaccuum cleaner bags into couture with bleach and ink. I also have to admit my love for leatha-lovah Stella, a gritty New york designer who comes of like a cross between Lou Reed and Elvira and has designed stage wear for Debbie Harry and Joan Jett. She was almost auf-ed last week when her plan to use plastic trash bags backfired and forced her to send something pretty awful down the runway. I'm anxious to see what she can whip up given better materials, but she's got some intense competition ahead of her - all this years designers have at least a grain of potential. Plus, host/mentor Tim Gunn is amazingly wonderful as usual.

What kind of wine, cheese and chocolate goes good as a snack whilst sucked into the world of amateur fashion? Stop and ask the experts at Daanen's Deli in Hayden, they have an intense selection of nibbly bits to supply your PR party guests.

Retro Review: Bonsai Bistro

Bonsai Bistro
101 E. Sherman Ave
Coeur d'Alene
765-4321
www.bonsaibistro.com

(You may have noticed there was no new Get Out column yesterday. I actually got the week off due to the fact that the Handle Extra wasn't published in order to run the Spokesman-Review's annual High School Graduates section. So I decided to dig deep into the archives and re-run a classic review I wrote over three years ago for the old making Flippy Floppy blog right after Bonsai Bistro first opened. I wasn't very impressed. Since becoming published, I've been avoiding reviewing Hagadone Corp. establishments for several reasons but back then I sure wasn't afraid to let 'em have it...)

Not to be overly crass, but to me the most amazing thing about the new Bonsai Bistro restaurant was how they got rid rid of that assy smell. Anyone who ever worked at this former bank/bomb shelter during its incarnation as Dakotah Direct (which I had the misfortune of doing for three years) will know what I mean. For years, the interior of this building was filled with an odor that can only be described as: grade A ass. This was an unfortunate side effect of a poor ventilation system in a call center filled with an endless succession of patricularly sweaty and expressive asses. It was an odor that lingered here for a long time, and something that everyone assumed was here to stay.

Yet somehow, through the miracle of Hagadone, that assy smell is gone. Long before Dakotah Direct went the way of the mastodon, Duane Hagadone had plans for this ugly little building. Or, to be more accurate, it was his wife Lola (who, by the way, I adore) that had the brainstorm of turning it into a "Pan-Asian" restaurant, inspired by some place she had seen while skipping around the globe on thier yacht, the Lady Lola. Mrs. H pulled a few chefs and some management from her hubby's other restaurants and put together a team to realize her "concept." After a month or two of letting the place air out, it opened with the usual outrageous amount of hype that is heaped on anything Hagadone.

People came in droves to see what they had done to the place, which I will admit, was rather impressive. The decor is very California, with an array of boring but tasteful beiges and browns with typical faux-asian (bamboo) highlights. The impressive part to me is the little koi pond that was installed right into the floor, which adds an aura of tranquility to the place. Although, it might be a bit uncomfortable to enjoy your sushi with an innocent koi giving you googly-eyes.

After less-than-delightful experiences at other Hagadone places (poor service, overpriced, small portions), I was actually planning on avoiding the Bonsai Bistro forever, but my father suggested the place for my birthday lunch and I thought "If he's paying why not?" After the initial shock and amazement that the assy smell was gone, I settled into the menu. Ouch! This was no cheap and easy Chinese joint, that's for sure. The menu was filled with items whose descriptions made them sound delicious, but that also seemed a little bit "forced". In other words, the menu was irritatingly pretentious as if it were written exclusivly to impress tourists with its "big city gourmet" selections.

Even more stunningly impressive was the fact they had the nerve to charge these kinds of prices. It takes a lot of cajones to charge six dollars for a little bowl of edamame (steamed soybeans), or almost seven dollars for a damn egg roll. Ah, but this is "gourmet", of course. We gladly pay extra for that fake Hagadone "ambience." I was kind of embarrassed that my dad was going to have to pay such a huge bill, so I ordered "cheap" (General Tso's chicken for around $14.95).

Our perfectly adequate but instantly forgettable waitress showed up and began fiddling around with some sauces on our table, creating a bowl of what she referred to as the "house sauce" which, I think was just soy sauce with some hot mustard and cocktail sauce mixed in. The way she went about this task was too cutesy, as if she were letting us in on a little secret, and this was our exclusive little wonder sauce. Well, the effect was ruined when I saw her making the same sauce for the next table. Our secret super sauce remained untouched by both myself and my dad for the entire meal.

The waitress took our order and brought us our drinks. For some reason, everytime I order a regular Pepsi in a Hagadone place they bring me a diet instead. "Oh, I always do that!" she said as she quickly did a switcheroo. I'm beginning to think this is part of thier act, that they are trained to do this. The food arrived. General Tso's chicken is not something I normally order at a Chinese place, but I always get it when I'm in Seattle from the fast food Chinese joint on Broadway (Magic Dragon, I think). There, the Gerenal Tso's is a dark, spicy affair with red peppers and covered in sesame seeds, a heaping order for six bucks. Delicious. Here, at the Bonsai Bistro, the General Tso's chicken is eight and half boring pieces of lightly tempura'd chicken cooked only to the point of barely done-ness and covered in a bland glaze that tastes vaguely orangey. The menu had an exclamation point next to the dish, indicating that there would some kick to it. However, there were no exclamation points in the actual food, only question marks. Did they run out of glaze? Is there a fryer oil shortage? Is the chef high on Valium? How can they charge 15 bucks for this?

Even after finishing the few bites of plain white rice that was served with the chicken, I was still hungry. Yet again I had fallen victim to the Hagadone curse: lots of hype for nothing, and small portions that are jaw-droppingly overpriced. To be fair, I did not get a chance to sample thier sushi, which I've heard is great and worth the price (my father would have gotten queasy at the sight of raw fish - he's a meat and potoatoes kind of guy.) Actually, I was surprised when my dad announced that his stir-fry was delicious and filling and to his credit, he never complained once about the bill. I reminded him that our poor waitress was being paid $3.00/hr or so by old Mr. H, and so he tipped her 10 bucks, our good deed for the day.

Overall, the most impressive aspect of this place is the amazing ass-free transformation of the interior. As for the food and value, I was not overly impressed. However, like the other Hagadone restaurants, the place will likely thrive on unknowing tourists who are suckered in by the hype, and on transplanted Californians, homesick for an overpriced taste of pretentiousness. Rating: Ambience 8/10 Food 3/10

Las Chavelas

Get Out for Spokesman Review Handle Extra
by Patrick Jacobs
publication date 05/31/08

Las Chavelas,
296 W.Sunset Ave.,
Coeur d’Alene,
664-3767

Camarera Vacante Pero Mercancías Muy Sabrosas

Perhaps it was just a matter of bad timing, but as I sat staring at the colorfully folksy wall murals for what seemed like an eternity waiting for the waitress to deliver water and chips, I began to wonder what in the heck was going on. The hostess had seated us in the back room, the only two stragglers tucked away with a huge and boisterous family reunion that had just gotten underway. Favorite aunties shrieked with delight at relatives they hadn’t seen in years. Bear hugs flew left and right between long lost cousins, second cousins, and ex-step-cousins thrice removed. Floppy-haired emo teens rolled their black-lined eyes and pouted at the over-excited grannies pinching their cheeks and saying “Oh goodness, how you’ve grown into such a big, um…boy? Girl?”

Where was our lovely waitress? The question would haunt us all night. Meanwhile, I found myself sucked into the unintentionally bizarre hand-painted scenarios that decorated the walls of the room. In one mural, a giant fellow in a King Arthur-style armored shirt and a big Conan O’Brien hairdo is carrying a passed-out hippie chick in a faux Sacajawea get-up over the peak of a tall mountain. On the opposite wall, a group of natives with chicken pox gather on a river’s edge and point in fear and amazement at the Ugly Brown Bird of Impending Doom, who is carrying a rubber snake in its beak and standing atop a spiky flowering cactus. I’m sure that in Mexican folklore these situations hold some kind of deep symbolism, but at the moment all I could think about was a nice basket of chips and fresh salsa. They finally arrived along with an apology from the waitress who clued us in to the fact that they were also catering some huge event that evening, which is where the majority of staff had disappeared off to, leaving a bare-bones crew behind to deal with the dinner crowd. “It’s gonna be a while” she blurted, and I have to at least credit her for her honesty.

Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever been to Las Chavelas when the place hasn’t been packed with people, and that’s mainly because they offer some of the most incredible, authentic Mexican food in town. They’ve been admirably consistent, building up a cult following for the better part of two decades in their Sunset Mall location, a strip mall that has seen dozens of other eateries come and go. Like I mentioned, it must have just been bad timing that caused the service level to be less-than-impressionante on this particular evening. Our basket of chips was kind of a tragic affair, just a pile of tiny triangular crumbles, too small to even attempt to dip without risking spicy wet fingertips. We did feel a bit back-burnered during the enormous length of time it took to serve the family reunion folks but ultimately, our meals were fantastic enough to overshadow how desperately ravenous we once were and the near-eternity it seemed to have taken for them to arrive.

The menu presented an exhaustion of traditional Mexican options, and certainly our waitress gave us ample time to come up with a concrete decision. Some of the house specialties available include Albondiga, a type of meatball soup and Menudo, a spicy tripe-and-hoof stew that can be difficult for those without a Mexican grandmother or a severe tequila hangover to really understand. Las Chavelas also serves incredible “Enchildas del Mar”, stuffed with garlicky shrimp and crab, and fish tacos filled with flaky breaded tilapia filets. The Machaca Plate mish-mashes beef, eggs, onion, and tomatoes together with Anaheim peppers, and the Chilaquiles con Huevo takes deep fried corn tortillas and smothers them with red sauce, eggs, onions, melted cheese and heavenly guacamole.

I always like to order one of the combination platters, so I can try a little of this and a little of that, and the this was chile relleno and the that was enchilada and the shredded beef taco was a bonus. I’m a big fan of the chile relleno action, and it’s not any thing to pull off – I’ve had my share of burnt-egg hot messes. Las Chavelas does these cheese-stuffed, egg battered peppers with perfection, and the special white sauce they smother them with is tangy and intense. Likewise, the enchilada was flavorful and filled with tended chunks of shredded beef, and the taco was a fat little bugger, its meat deep-fried in the shell and overstuffed with crispy lettuce and shredded cheddar. The side rice was incredibly satisfying and a larger portion would have been welcomed with an open mouth. Also, I’m not normally a massive fanatic of the refried-bean, but mixed with a few spoons full of the fresh salsa, these transcend the ordinary gloppy grey variety. I actually managed to clean my plate of them, quite a rare feat.

Lou’s “Muy Macho Burrito” met a similar end, disappearing faster than you can say “chicken, beef, rice, and beans in a fresh flour tortilla and smothered with red sauce and melted cheese and garnished with tomatoes and lettuce.” Even though we had a hunch it would delay our exit by another half-hour, we decided to indulge in the Fried Ice Cream with strawberries and whipped cream and it was well worth the wait, a hard vanilla dream in a crackly, perfectly oily crisp tortilla, smothered with sweet red syrup and piled high with white fluff. We waddled to the register and paid our tab nearly two hours after we arrived, the last few of the family reunion still lingering over their Coronas. Although past visits have been a bit faster service-wise, I wouldn’t recommend Las Chavelas for those in any kind of rush. However, if you have the patience to just relax and hang a while, you’ll be rewarded with one of the finest, most authentic Mexican meals in the region.

Bread Crumbs: Random Bits

If you didn't already notice, I redesigned things a bit here and I like it much better. Also, I added karaoke listings and links to the side bar. Tell you what - if you link to this site on your site, I will add yours to my blogroll. Likewise, if you come across any good local food, arts or night life sites I haven't listed, please let me know...

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You know Sushi (or 寿司, 鮨, 鮓, as they say back in Japan) has finally become fully absorbed into North Idaho culture when you start seeing it pop up in every grocery store deli zone. Albertsons was first, selling trays of California rolls only. They were located way back in the meat department for some reason. It tasted OK if you bought it on the first day, but otherwise it was nothing to worry Takara about to say the least. Safeway started bringing in their own version of fast Sushi, and in a much wider variety of styles, including salty Unagi (BBQ Eel) and Inari (fried soy curd) along with the standard faux-crab California rolls. These were only sightly better on the edibility scale, but the store lets them linger for days and I've seen some pretty scary looking Sushi trays floating around there.

I'm not a regular Super 1 shopper at all, but I ended up at the Hayden store the other day and was amazed to see a vibrantly colorful deli case full of little Sushi packages in at least a dozen varieties. This Sushi actually resembled the stuff they serve in a Japanese cafe - It was difficult to decide what kind to try. Even more encouraging was the sign posted saying "Made fresh daily on site" so you know you're getting a fresh product and not something made a week ago and shipped in from Tacoma or somewhere. I chose the mini variety pack, which had a mini spicy tuna roll sliced into 6 pieces done maki style, along with several pieces done iniri style (slice of raw fish on lump of rice). The salmon piece was cold and buttery in texture, just like it should be. The Unagi (eel) selection was smoky and really good. I was quite impressed and am anxious to return and try the other varieties they offer.

Two bummers to mention, however. Super 1 Sushi costs a lot - I paid $6.89 for my little snack and I saw larger trays for around $12. It's cheaper to go to an actual Sushi restaurant I do believe. The other problem is the same with the other grocery store Sushis - why oh why do they only include one measly little packet of soy sauce? That's about 1 1/2 teaspoons worth and it certainly ain't enough to work with. Yeah, I have a bottle at home, but what if I was taking it to work or on a picnic. No one wants to eat dry sushi, and the large amount of wasabi they include will burn your face off unless you temper it with some soy sauce. Throw in some extra packets, folks! It's not gonna break ya.

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I've been meaning to mention the billboard on Northwest Boulevard for the Fort Ground Grill, but Jane Q. Citizen beat me to it on this thread over on Huckleberries Online, where a bit of a controversy is broiling about the subject. Jane thinks it's "Hooters-esque" and demeaning to the poor young waitresses there who don't enjoy being objectified, and this makes their job performance bad, which explains why everyone thinks service there is slow. I disagreed, saying that I think it's fun and campy and that the waitresses ought to loosen up a tad and get a sense of humor. Consequently it was implied by several posters that I wouldn't understand because I'm just a dumb, chauvinistic male who thinks the waitresses should just "put up and shut up". Well, I find that pretty funny since I'm a totally not-sexist person and I don't even play for that team anyway. It's OK for them to stereotype all men as misogynistic, but it's not OK to supposedly "objectify" women by finding amusement in a harmless billboard. Hrrmph.

The way I see it, if the waitresses at the Fort Ground are unhappy with their jobs since the big bad billboard appeared on the scene, they have two options. Find a new job or get over it. They're merely staff and like any other establishment, staff has to deal with whatever decisions the owners and management make. The Fort Ground higher-ups decided they wanted to advertise the place in such a certain way and that's their call. I honestly don't think they intended to abuse their waitresses, they just found the image and the catchphrase to be clever and memorable. The fact that people are even talking about it means it worked very well. If they had used a buff, shirtless man instead would there still be such a kerfuffle about it?
People are so darn touchy these days.

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I'm certainly not going to bother with giving the Appleway Burger King an actual Get Out review or mini-review. But I am going to mention that I think that place really needs help, at least service wise. Yeah, yeah - I know its fast food and all, and I shouldn't pick on little shits getting paid dirt wages, but there are some fast food joints that actually train their staff on good customer service skills, so I don't think there are excuses. McDonalds is actually always fast and friendly, and of course Sonic is all about making people happy. Burger King, on the other hand really stinks. I blame it directly on the management for not properly training those kids, cluing them into basic manners and politeness.

It was my mother's idea to pop in there the other day. We just wanted quick and easy. After ordering a chicken sandwich and fries, she asked for a side of mayo and was told by the tall skinny kid behind the register that they were fresh out .
"Out of mayonnaise?" we asked. "Well, what are y'all putting on the chicken sandwiches?"
The kid goes "Uhhh...mayonnaise I guess."
"OK, we'd like a side of that."
"Um, but we're out of the packets" he mumbled.
"OK, well take a scoop of mayonnaise from the jar and put it in a little cup or something."
"Um, I gotta ask my manager if that's OK."
So he starts looking around the place and totally disappears until we finally see him through the window outside chit-chatting with a manager who is smoking a cig. Two minutes later and the manager decides to put out her smoke and come in. Meanwhile we're waiting...waiting...food is getting cold.
"Is there a problem?" she says.
"We just want a side of friggin' mayonnaise, my dear."
"We're out of packets."
My mother and I looked at each other in disbelief, but thankfully another "manager" who seemed to have half-a-clue must have overheard and emerged from the kitchen with a size-small drink cup FULL of the white stuff. It was enough to fill a small jar, certainly more than we needed. The quantity was kind-of insulting, like "Here, this'll shut 'em up!"

I got some BK coupons in the mail recently and included was a coupon for a free Spicy Chicken sandwich with the purchase of a meal, and a craving hit me. So I attempted to order in the drive through and the girl just COULD NOT understand my coupon. She kept telling me they didn't have Spicy Chicken sandwiches on sale right now. I kept telling her "OK, fine" but that didn't matter because I had a coupon. Anyway, long story short - she got progressively more rude in tone and manner as I kept attempting to order and after a few minutes I just said "forget it, I'm out" and raced away. Pish on you, BK - train your kids to be nice!

Fort Ground Grill

Fort Ground Grill
705 W. River Ave., Cd’A.
664-6186.

General William Tecumseh Sherman wasn’t just throwing darts at the map when he deemed our happy little patch of Earth to be the perfect spot for a military fort. Although it would be many years before the first massive condo would rise from the shores of Lake Coeur d’Alene and the Spokane River, the spot of land where the two met still clearly had some potential. After the Mullan Trail was forged and the first choo-choo train came roaring through the area, Camp Coeur d’Alene turned into Fort Coeur d’Alene and a pioneer village began taking shape.

General Sherman may have had some questionable military tactics (like how he mercilessly decimated the buffalo herds in an attempt to dwindle the Indian population), but he was known to be good to his military men, always making sure they were served big fluffy omelets, crisp hash browns and buttery toast for breakfast. After the fort was abandoned by the Army during the Spanish-American War, it was renamed Fort Sherman and the Fort Ground Breakfast Shack and Sarsaparilla Bar was established in 1877 on River Avenue in honor of the good General’s keen enthusiasm for the first meal of the day. Although the place would see many identity and ownership changes over the next 130 years, the tradition lives on today with The Fort Ground Grill, who pay tribute to the breakfast pioneer and hero by featuring his stern countenance and biographical details on their menu.

Okay, maybe that isn’t exactly how history unfolded, but what’s for sure is that the place has at least been in existence in one form or another since the glory days when River Ave. was one of the town’s main drags, when the street was hopping with traffic heading over the bridge that once existed across the Spokane River there, where the dyke road now turns south. Family members recall that the place was once a small grocery store and soda fountain. Since childhood, I knew it best as the charmingly grungy Fort Ground Tavern, a rather rough place where you could watch old men drink pitchers of beer at 8 AM and eat a giant artery-clogging cheap breakfast through a thick haze of cigarette smoke. Certain nights, the place was known to get rowdy with overenthusiastic sports fans and college kids pounding Pabst and duking it out.

I have two fond memories of the old Fort Ground Tavern that will probably stick with me forever. The first was an unsuccessful attempt to eat a “breakfast burger” consisting of three beef patties, four cheese slices, a dozen bacon strips, a thick slice of ham, a fried egg, and grilled onions. I think that monster only cost around three bucks and came with a big pile of home fries. Oy! The second memory is going down for Karaoke nights when the Summer Theater cast and crew were in town and had established the place as their stomping grounds. These kids were professional singers and dancers, and some of their Karaoke performances were devastatingly fantastic. Once the beer really started flowing, it wouldn’t be unusual to find a group of them literally on top of the bar, dancing like Rockettes and singing show tunes. When the longtime owners finally decided to shut her down last year, many faithful customers felt a real loss.

When word got out that local chef and restaurateur Michael D. Pasquale had bought the place and was giving it a much needed facelift, the town collectively sighed with relief. With the Fort Ground Grill, he has managed to give a modern update to an old local favorite without losing the sense of history or the fine traditional food. However, gone are the drunken old coots peering out from dark scary corners. Gone are the nicotine stained beer signs from bygone eras, and the hideous yellow carpeting turned grey with time and beer and ash. Gone are the slightly tilted pool tables and the gruff kitchen ladies, cigarettes dangling from their lips. Most notably, gone are the scariest bathrooms in town, gutted and replaced by clean state-of-the-art facilities.

The basic layout remains the same but now it’s bright and immaculate, with a colorful new paint job inside and out, gorgeous oak fixtures and chairs, and locally historic photos hung around the walls. The atmosphere is as relaxed as it ever was, but so much nicer, and you don’t have to worry about ciggie ashes in your eggs or an encounter with a Hamms-pickled old-timer. They do still serve beer and wine (and have acquired a full liquor license as well), however local micros and fine imports have replaced cheap cans of watery swill.

I’ve visited the new Fort Ground Grill twice so far, the first time for dinner and more recently for breakfast. On my first visit several months ago, I was with a friend from Seattle who was not remarkably impressed with the fact that Ellen Travolta was having a bite to eat with some theater pals at the table behind us, although I watched enough “Happy Days” and “Charles in Charge” that I still get pretty excited when I see her out and about.

We noted that the menu consisted primarily of comfort foods, a culinary trend which includes traditional American staples like meatloaf and chicken fried steak, pasta dishes, and entrees served with mashed potatoes and steamed veggies. She opted for a salmon dish, which she described as “pretty good, but missing some pizzazz” and I tried the Garlic Chicken Breast with Garlic Mashed Potatoes, which was really quite delicious, but afterward I felt sort of bad for being a Garlic Breath Monster as we chatted and did some catching up. I’ve forgotten our servers name from that evening, but she had an amazing bubbly personality and provided top-notch service. We left impressed.

I visited again the other day for a much-needed breakfast fix after a late night out left me feeling a little woozy that morning. Q. and I were sat in the exact same table I’d sat in last time. Maybe my pre-caffeine senses were over-stimulated, but I couldn’t help but note the smell of history lingering in the air. Not a bad smell, just a proud kind of mustiness that no amount of paint and re-carpeting could ever kill. However, in place of boozy seniors were hip young moms, well-dressed professionals, beefy construction guys and gossipy society gals. Our hostess brought coffee over immediately, as if she knew how badly it was truly needed. Sometimes it’s the little things that impress, and I was so excited that they had French Vanilla coffee creamer on the table instead of plain. Nice touch.

No big surprises on this breakfast menu, although if you decide to build-your-own-omelet, you can choose from such odd fare as zucchini, havarti, shrimp and squash. Otherwise, all the usual suspects are in place: French toast, Denver omelet, eggs Benedict. It wasn’t listed as an option on the menu, but the waitress was cool enough to let me substitute a pancake for toast with my Ham Scram at no additional cost. She didn’t even bat an eye when Q. hissed that he wanted his eggs “fried really hard.”

As we waited, we zoned out to the sound of gabbing customers layered atop the classic rock radio that played comfortingly in the background. We began to get a little antsy as the Steve Miller Band turned into Pink Floyd turned into the Stones and still no food. Q had to be at work soon, and the clock was ticking as our coffee cups ran dry and still no sign of our waitress. It wasn’t even really that busy. Just as we were about to get fussy, she came zooming in with steaming platefuls of delightful breakfast. My pancake was bigger than the platter it came on, my ham scram was wonderfully thick with melty clumps of cheddar and luscious eggs, and my hash browns were crispy and flavorful, which is remarkable since I don’t normally get into the hash brown scene that much. Q’s eggs were fried sufficiently hard and his bacon made me wonder how they got it to turn out so crisp and flat, instead of the soggy, shriveled specimen I always manage to cook up at home. Again, sometimes the winning is in the details like the all-American sprig of parsley and twisted orange slice that decorated our plates, or the squeezy ketchup that liberated us from the stubbornness of the glass bottle. By the time I (almost) finished my meal, my morning-after wooziness was gone, replaced by the strong urge for a mid-morning nap in front of the TV.

Our waitress was incredibly sweet, but her lack of attention to our needs began to hurt our feelings. The food took quite a while to appear, our coffees and waters repeatedly sat empty, and then Q. began to panic because she wasn’t bringing our check to the table and he had 15 minutes to get to work. We finally gave up waiting and went straight for the register. The cashier had to hunt our waitress down so she could get our ticket and ring us up, and when she was finally found she seemed a little put out by our “impatience” and offered no apology for her slackness. Fortunately, the lingering joy of such a gratifying meal and the resulting food coma had rendered us lethargic enough to forgive her for her lack of timeliness as we waddled out the door. I’m absolutely certain that even General Sherman himself would be well-pleased by the high standard of quality breakfast fare served at the Fort Ground Grill.