1. Wily Widgeon Cafe 126 W. Main St., Hope
"What's a widgeon" you ask? Quack quack. I wonder if Daffy's on the menu too?
2. Nosworthy's Hall of Fame 4045 N.Government Way, Cd'A
Born as the Ground Round way back in 1974, this cult fave was renamed Nosworthy's by owner Dale Nosworthy in tribute to owner Dale Nosworthy. Nosworthy's MySpace.
3. PauPau's Kitchen 9751 N. Government Way, Hayden
PauPau was actually the lovely proprietress June's GrandMauMau. Always reminds me of the rock-n-roll oldie "Surfin Bird" by the Trashmen. Paupau-ooom-mao-mao, paupau-oo-mao-mao-mao.
4. Kynrede Cafe 8885 N. Government Way, Hayden
"What does kynrede mean" you ask? It's Chaucerian for "Kindred." Loke that it be stondyng.
5. Chic-N-Chop 6421 Main St, Bonners Ferry
The word "Chic" makes it sound like a refashioned clothing store. The word "Chop" makes me feel a little sorry for the sad fate of the poultry. Bye-bye appetite.
6. Cafe Carambola 610 W. Hubbard, Cd'A
"What's a Carambola" you ask? Starlight, starbright, first starfruit I see tonight.
7. Pita Pit Various Locations
Always excellent, but for the uninitiated, the name tends to evoke lurid images of ripe, hairy underarms. Bye-bye appetite.
8. Serv-a-Burger 907 N 5th Ave., Sandpoint
As opposed to it's sister drive-in, "Get-It-Yer-Damn-Self-a-Burger"
9. Hog-n-Jog 32471 North 5th Avenue, Spirit Lake
Are they suggesting a) that I go jogging right after I eat, potentially resulting in painful stomach cramps or b) the chef has to chase down some poor innocent pig out back to butcher in cold blood for that night's special? Either way, bye-bye appetite.
10. The "Original" Mongolian BBQ 3213 N. Government Way
Yo, don't be hatin'. This is the O.G. Monglolian BBQ, not no ghetto wannabe, knowwhatimsayin'?
11. Lil' Polpetta 1735 W. Kathleen Ave. Cd'A
"What does Polpetta mean" you ask? On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.
12. Mamasan's AmerAsian Grill, Cedar Street Bridge, Sandpoint
"What's a Mamasan" you ask? A mamasan is basically a Japanese version of Heidi Fleiss. Or should that be Suzie Wong?
13. Schlotzsky's 210 W. Ironwood, Cd'A
An 11 letter word with only one true vowel and a sometimes y that sounds like what'd happen if one sneezed too hard with a weak bladder. Bye-bye appetite. (Actually I love this place and wrote a full review for this coming Saturday's column.)
14. Sandwedges 3780 W. Fairway Dr., Cd'A
Cute golf reference but it also makes me think of tight swimwear getting stuck deep inside sandy asscracks at the beach. Bye-bye appetite.
15. High Nooner 3510 N. Government Way, Cd'A
Isn't noon a little bit early to be getting high? You should at least wait until The Simpsons comes on. And what about that lunchtime quickie. Naughty naughty.
16. Pizza Schmizza 2384 N. Old Mill Loop, Cd'A
A cross between a playground taunt and the digestive sound effects of a rare Venezualan stomach virus. Bye-bye appetite. Beware the alligator sausage.
17. Qdoba 204 W. Ironwood Dr., Cd'A
Belly-busting Colorado-based burrito chain started out as Zteca but Azteca sued. Switched to another silly made-up meaningless name beginning with an obscure consonant.
18. Blimpies 476999 Highway 95, Ponderay
Always brings to mind a gluttenous, overfed state of being, bloated from bread and soda pop, an irritable bowel unpleasantly full of gas, ready like the Hindenberg to cramp up and go down in flames. Bye-bye appetite.