North Idaho's Most Interesting...Burgers

Having recently indulged in a bit of Schmidty's love (see full review), now seems like as good a time as any to pop out a list delving into that most gorgeous and versatile of American culinary staples, the burger. From a Mickey D's lowly atomic hockey puck to a $38 gourmet specimen made with beef from cows that were hand massaged by naked and sweaty Japanese men and sprinkled with white truffles, we carnivores simply cannot resist the savory flavor of a hamburger patty piled with various random other accouterments and stuck in a bun.

As you may have already gathered, there are plenty of unique and noteworthy burgers to be found right up here in ye olde Idaho panhandle. By the way, I'm skipping over a popular 107-year-old downtown CdA burger joint. Too obvious, and while beloved and delicious (especially with gobs of that spicy ketchup and mustard), just kinda basic.

Cut to five blocks east from that particular establishment and sashay into Scratch (501 Sherman Ave, CdA) for a Snake River Farms Kobe Burger, eight hefty ounces of tender, fatty beef. At $16, it also comes with the heftiest price tag of any burger I could find in the area. The fancy doesn't stop with the meat. Balsamic onions, goat cheese, marinated tomato, and baby spinach also make an appearance between this one's buns. Shoot, that almost sounds healthy or something. If I'm going to plop down that much cash for burger, I want something that's going to make me reach for the Lipitor.

Like the music of Tom Waits, Gouda cheese is kind of an acquired taste, and I've got a lot of love for both. A nice Gouda can emit an odor reminiscent of an unwashed sock that's been through a hardcore workout or two, if you know what I mean. Once you make it past that particular pungency barrier, it has a rich, nutty flavor that likely serves as a perfect compliment to the sauteed onions, bacon, and spicy BBQ sauce it joins on the Gouda Ciabatta Burger served at MickDuff's Brewing Co. (312 North First Ave, Sandpoint). Ah, yes. Umami overload alert!

Nosworthy's Sluggo Burger

Nosworthy's Hall of Fame (4045 N Govt Way CdA) features the pork-a-riffic Sluggo Burger decribed on their menu as "piled high with ham & bacon. Clugston's favorite - formerly known as the Miss Piggy" ($10.50). I don't know who this Clugston fellow is, but I have a feeling Miss Piggy wouldn't be too happy about the rename, and if he has anything to do with that decision, he ought to be expecting a "Hi-ya" karate chop to the knees. But looking at this photo of the beast itself, with its healthy pile of delicious pork products, maybe she should just be thankful she's not involved anymore.

I remember one hazy summer evening when I was about 8 years old and my grandmother, hearing sirens and spotting smoke in the sky coming from the general downtown area, dragged me by the hand to the corner of 4th & Sherman where a large crowd was already gathered. Disaster! Our favorite store Woolworth's was a blazing inferno, all our comforting retail memories going up in clouds of smoke into the sky before our very eyes. The remaining rubble was eventually razed and replaced by a tiny park.

For some reason or another, the Corner Cafe in Post Falls (203 E Seltice Way) has a burger named after this long-ago incident. The Woolworth Fire Burger is a 1/3 pound burger, topped with onion straws, pepper jack, jalapenos, with pickle, lettuce, and tomato, and mayo ($8.59). So it has a few jalapenos and some wussy-ass pepper jack thrown on it. That heat could never match the actual Woolworth fire heat that melted all the 45 RPM records and turned all the magazines and comic books into ash. No, I'm sure makes for quite a tasty meal.

For you smarty pants that don't indulge in the sweet pink flesh of dead animals, Trinity at City Beach (58 Bridge St, Sandpoint) has you covered with their Root Vegetable Burger. Seven kinds of roots, walnuts and spices, breaded and fried on a fresh toasted Kaiser roll with jalapeno mayo, pickled red onions, spinach and Gouda cheese. ($10.50) Is Gouda cheese a happening trend? Anyway, this sounds delicious even for bloodthirsty creature eaters like myself.

Another menu item at Trinity that has my teeth juices flowing is the Popper Burger, described as an "all beef patty grilled & topped with sliced fresh jalapenos, cream cheese, cilantro, fresh squeezed lime juice and honey chipotle mayo on a toasted burger bun." ($11) Oh no they better don't! With this masterstroke of genius, they've managed to combine two of my favorite guilty pleasures: a fat ass burger and the always addictive jalapeno popper. I'm even willing to forgive their use of 2007's old buzzword "chipotle" and wrap my tongue around this burger anytime.

Penny's Pit's The Gosman

I've yet to actually visit Penny's Pit Pub & Lounge (14319 Hwy 53, Rathdrum), but following them on facebook is like a parade of amazingly creative, gigantic burgers that make me want to gas up and head up north to Rathdrumville. Most notable (for sheer size at least) is The Gosman ($12.59). This burger was apparently masterminded by a brilliant customer by that name. I was so impressed my this creation that I tried facebook stalking this Gosman guy to tell him he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for Burger Insanity, but alas I couldn't find him.

I mean, look at it! Double patties, double bacon, fried egg, onion rings, fire buffalo sauce, bleu cheese dressing, jalapeno, handful of fries, double pepper jack cheese, and Penny's house sauce. How do they expect anyone besides a water buffalo to even begin taking a bite of that beautiful pile of calories? I will need a knife, fork, small shovel, 31 napkins, and several take out boxes, but damn it, finishing a Gosman burger is high on my bucket list and I know I can do it!

Wallace's Fainting Goat (316 Bank St) puts a twist into the boring old basic burger scene by venturing outside of the beef realm and into the elk. Personally, I've always been a bit standoffish about wild game meats. Gamey tastes turn me off and also, I'm still suffering from the childhood trauma of dealing with poor Bambi's Mom, taken out brutally by an off-screen hunter for the sake of what? To be served with a side of brussel sprouts and Rice-a-Roni? Not right.

Anyway, I'd be willing to face my fears and try out Fainting Goat's Elk Sliders - 3 sliders served on homemade steak rolls with sweet & spicy tomato jam and baby arugula ($11). I had to Google "steak rolls" (sort of fatter, flatter hot dog buns), and the tomato jam sounds just piquant enough to cover any suspicious gaminess. Very sorry, Bambi's Mom (did she even have a name?). I think your mystery hunter might be winning me over after all.

Michael D's Eatery

Michael D's (203 CdA Lake Dr, CdA) is known primarily for their ultra dank breakfast platters (three cheers for the Honnell Special!), but they do remain open until 2 pm and they've got some terrific lunch items on the menu as well. I've enjoyed several of their burgers, and they do them well, but there's one that makes my eyebrows twitch and go true north on my face.

The Marsala Burger carries this explanation: "Smothered in mushrooms marinated with Marsala wine and creamy American cheese" ($11.50). Mmmkay. I love mushrooms and in certain contexts I love American cheese and I most certainly LOVE Marsala wine. But I'm having a hard time with the idea of putting these particular flavor profiles together with a burger on a bun.

Wine and cheese are great together but pairing the oak-y booze taste of Marsala with the artificially creamy taste of plastic-wrapped orange slices of cheese just makes my mind blip a little. Maybe it's some of that frou-frou fancy American cheese (it must exist).Here's a case of -try-it-and-see, which I will do sometime, and I expect it to work like anything else Michael D's does, quite fantastically.

I wouldn't want to leave you without giving you a virtual whiff of the stank of pure onion breath. All the way out in East Hope, Sweet Lou's (477272 N Hwy 95) is serving up the AWN-YAWN and hard in the form of it's aptly named Ultimate Onion Burger ($9.99). Ground steak patty with fried onions, pickled onions, and smoked onion ranch with jack cheese. Why stop there? Let's throw on some Jack-n-the-Box onion rings, maybe a few of those pickled baby onions you put in cocktails, some Funyons for crunch, and a bowl of French Onion soup to dip it all in. No, I love onions so to me this is like cake to a chubby kid. Wait, Onion Cake. Let's slap a slice of that on there too.

Travelling Old Highway 10 to Noah’s Canteen

“Get your kicks on Route 66”. Depeche Mode’s 80s-era cover version of the old rock-n-roll road trip classic was occupying the sound system as I pulled a stool up to the bar at Noah’s Canteen in Kellogg. Stumbling into the song was pleasant and unexpected, but also somewhat appropriate considering that I’d spent most of that sunny March morning leisurely travelling the crumbly, winding side roads that run east adjacent to I-90. Actually, I wasn’t getting my kicks per se; it was more like I was finding my Zen on old Highway 10.

There’s a lot of history and intrigue sprinkled over the cow path that started out as the Mullan Road in back in about 1860, specifically the length running from just east of 4th of July Pass through to the Montana border. It’s basically a Sunday drive to end all Sunday drives, passing through a series of towns where the pace of life seems much more languorous and simplistic, where the only real evidence that it’s 2010 and not 1950 are the time-swept exteriors of the homes and structures and the modern-era vehicles sitting in front of them.

Of course, between these villages there’s plenty of raw nature to luxuriate in and quite a few notable landmarks to investigate, and it’s fantastic to get a slow, intimate look at territory people normally zoom through hastily without paying attention.

I started my odyssey that day by exiting off the freeway at Rose Lake onto the stretch of the antiquated two-lane highway that’s now known as Canyon Rd. Moons ago, this area was a hip, happening little town known as Canyon, and just a few homes, the crumbled ruins of a store, a gas station and a motel, and a still-active elementary school survive along on its main drag, Schoolhouse Loop Road.

The Cataldo Mission is the oldest standing structure in the state, and is no doubt a fascinating, if rather spooky, glimpse into the life of the region’s earliest settlers. However, I’ve seen it a million times, so I decided to give it a pass in favor of pressing onward, over the Coeur d’Alene River and toward my still undecided destination.

Travelling through Kingston, I closed my eyes to sneeze, and nearly missed the town but did notice that its refurbished 1930 High School Building, now a residence, was currently for sale. I briefly entertained a wild fantasy about transforming it into some kind of neon-lit disco sushi karaoke palace, but certainly the locals would kvetch and moan wildly, and I guess I don’t really blame them.

There was more to Pinehurst than I expected, including an old-fashioned drive-in burger joint and Watts Appliance store, whose yellow reader board dabbles in both surrealism and paranoia with “Listen. Who’s having a conversation in your laundry room? It’s your washer and dryer.” Smelterville’s main claim to fame in this day and age is its relatively petite WalMart store, but more interesting is the fact that the bumpy, potholed road through town is the only remaining section of the original 1930 highway pavement.

Continuing on into Kellogg, I headed straight downtown to trawl through one of my favorite oddball shopping places in North Idaho, Papa’s Barn. The antique mall/thrift store/curio museum is made up of three older-than-old buildings sewn together and down in their musty basement, they’ve got a weird rock waterfall crawling with taxidermy animals and a creepy cave haunted by a couple of skeletal “miners”. Along with some high-end art and collectables, they sell mountains of everything from Bee Gees records to plastic Expo ‘74 drink coasters. Naturally, I couldn’t leave the place without purchasing both.

My journeys ended in a much more contemporary setting, inside the lounge area at Noah’s Canteen, which was built along with the rest of Silver Mountain Ski Resort’s Gondola Villiage around five years ago. It’s an extraordinarily comfortable place for lunch, with a homey feel and a reasonably upscale menu. Despite the gorgeous weather, only a handful of patrons were taking advantage of the place’s open-air feel and fireplace patio.

Waiting for Sarah, the refreshingly down-to-earth bartender, to bring my Chicken Pesto Panini, a snowboarder-type approached the bar and asked for another “Sierra Delicious Nevada” pale ale. Of course, I had to have one too. And delicious it was, as was my sandwich, and although it wasn’t really a Panini to me since it wasn’t grilled, its seasoned meat, tomatoes, and gooey cheese did indeed hit the spot.

A couple across the bar was conversing about the Gondola rides that take you up, up and away on a 17-minute trek to the top of the mountain. I actually pondered the idea for a brief moment until I realized I’d sooner walk the entire Mullan Trail uphill both ways in light of my paralyzing fear of heights and being trapped inside huge dangly buckets on wires. Besides, thanks to Noah’s Canteen, I had lost my spirit of adventure and was suddenly in need of a post-lunch nap, so I hopped on new-fangled I-90 for a swift return home to my awaiting couch.

Get Out! Mailbag September: Sweet Rolls and Greek Love

Dear Get Out!

Subject: Cardiac Surprise

Enjoy your columns. Maybe do one on hospital food? KMC is pretty good a for hospital.

Bruce

Thanks for reading, Bruce,
I got a laugh out of the subject line of your email. I actually did a "review" of KMC room service food on this blog that never actually ended up in the newspaper. I was snarky, but in retrospect the food wasn't so bad for hospital food. Hopefully, next visit will be on my own free will; no one really likes to visit the hospital, whether you're in for the croup or a friend or relative is shacked up there.

I have a friend who works the night shift doing prep for the KMC cafeteria and I keep telling him I'm going to come in and meet him for breakfast or lunch one of these crazy days so I can do a write-up. He says they try really hard to fight the popular notion that hospital cafeteria food is bland or generally inedible. I'm kinda hoping for possibly some Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. We shall see.

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Dear Get Out!

I often read your column. The one that appeared in the Sunday Spokesman-Review was very informative and included some surprises. I had no idea that Athol was so significant in the early 1900's.

However, I feel you might have been in error when you ended your article regarding what is in Athol today. There isn't much there...

There is one cafe that serves only breakfast and lunch (always busy, so the food must be good), Rib Ranch Restaurant with tavern attached, a small restaurant that burned down in Spring/Summer 2008, one more tavern, beauty salon, auto parts and repair, fire station, post office, elementary school, 'city center' with park, excellent veterinarian, Conoco with A&W inside, a small pizza joint with arcade, very small grocery store, small motel, Veteran's Lodge, 7th Day Adventist Church. There might be another tavern on Hwy 95, just north of the intersection of Hwy 95 and 54.

All of this totals about 2-3 'city' blocks, approximately 2 miles NW of Silverwood. The sign just west of town, near the veterinarian's office, shows Population: 676. Most of us with Athol mailing address live outside the 'city limits'.

Any other diners that you may have found are most likely part of Bayview.

Julia

Hi Julia,

Holy hemorrhoids, there's a lot of stuff around Athol, it's practically bulging out! I certainly didn't mean to imply there was a lot of action up there, but now that you pointed out all the businesses in town, I realize I might have been wrong. Heck, if there's a pizza place with video games, two and a half places to get sozzled and a place to get your hair did, what more would anyone need?

Also, I noticed you neglected to mention the Country Boy Cafe on your list. Don't freak me out, Julia - it's still there, right?

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Dear Get Out!

I couldn't agree more about JB's. My wife and I have eaten there many times over the past decades and have enjoyed it very much, especially the breakfast buffet. We feel the staff deserves an award for being the most outgoing staff in the area. There's always a friendly face... Thanks for the great article.

Bill

Cheers Bill,
Certainly, JB's flies a little under the radar on the local restaurant scene, but those in the know (and there are quite a few judging from the constant crowds) realize that their breakfast bar is unique in this town. Many buffets serve rubbery, nasty eggs, bacon and French Toast but those cats manage to keep everything hot and fresh.

The waitresses there crack me up; they carry on like they're oblivious to the fact that there are customers sitting there who can hear everything. I've heard them yammering loudly and very candidly at each other about other employees, making fun of customers who've just left, getting in arguments with each other, complaining about this and that and just generally going off. It adds to the amusing "neighborhood coffee clutch in Aunt Franny's kitchen" vibe of the place.

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Dearest Friend of The Olympia,

The story you wrote was amazing. We would LOVE to buy you lunch and a bottle of Ritcina. We'll Greek up your fries anytime and we are so glad you are back!! We love you!

Your Friends at The New Olympia

I love you too, Olympia!

There must be something about the Mediterranean that makes folks from there so very lovey. I'm thinking of The White House in Post Falls whose motto is "We love garlic! We love you!"

I did get some pretty steamed reactions to that review, and I have a sneaking suspicious that they might have been all from the same person, probably someone in cahoots with the old Olympia owners who I pretty much dissed. I actually had to delete about four of the comments - the sweetheart told me I must have been dropped on my head as a child among other things. I will be in soon for lunch and a bottle of Ritcina, even though I have no idea what that is (and I even tried Googling it). Can I have a few delicious slices of baklava instead?

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Dear Get Out!

I would be interested in information about the old Fore n' Aft Lounge. Are any of the old employees or regulars still around? I worked there when Mike Caldero and Tiny Wilson were the owners. That was in the 80's and it was literally a "blast". Jackie, Cindy, Susanna, Colleen and myself, Carole, were bartenders. There many more, those are just the ones that come to mind right now. Chris & Cheryl Ruffner were "regulars" and Cheryl also worked at Henry's. My name then was Carole Meyer...but that has changed (only to protect the innocent!!).

Thanks, Carole...now in the Boise area.

Sounds like good times Carole,

I remember the Fore n' Aft was on the same block as JC Penny, where the Resort Plaza shops now sit. I was actually way too young to have actually visited the place, but I know my mom hung out there. I will run the names you mentioned past her and see if she knows any of them. The chances are pretty good, since she knows basically everyone who lived in Cd'A back in the day. I worked at Henry's when I was a teenager and the name Cheryl sounds vaguely familar to me from that time. There certainly aren't very many places from back then that are still a going prospect - there's the Iron Horse, the Corner Bar (formerly the Regina), Chillers (formerly Beta's) and possibly the Sunset on Appleway.

Readers, anyone out there have any insight into Carole's Fore n' Aft memories?

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Dear Get Out!

I just recently read your article on the Sunshine Inn located in Kellogg, Idaho and I find that you have overstepped your bounds a bit as a reporter. I feel that you used your status as a reporter to try and bring down a great business and humiliate the management team, employees, owners and this community because you can. You should be ashamed of yourself! No one likes to be humiliated and condemned before they have a chance to redeem themselves and you never gave anyone a chance too.

I have known the owners since they first came to this valley and your one time visit was unfortunately, not up to their standards. The current owners take extreme pride in this establishment and if you had done what another person would of done and contacted the management, you would have found that they would have taken great care of you and your guest immediately. They are proud to be a part of this community and have taken huge steps to help bring it out of the slump it has been in the past few years. As a member of many community volunteering events and organizations, we can count on the owners of the Sunshine Inn to help us out with donations, a place to hold meetings or events, and a business who cares about this town and what happens to it. More than I can say for most of the businesses in Spokane. Maybe you need to visit some of your own towns restaurants and then we can compare a few notes on our visits. And yes I can speak from experience, as I was a resident of your area (so is the management of the Sunshine Inn) and have had some of worst times in many businesses there. But I don't see anything about that in your articles. Or is this just an outlet for you to bring down the morale of a business who prides themselves in their history and how far they have come in the last 2 years?|

I would also like you to ask yourself that if everyone had an issue with how you do things in your business, would you like an opportunity to fix it first or have it splashed in an article in one of the biggest newspapers around? I stand behind the Sunshine Inn and hope that the people who read this article will realize that one persons experience isn't what happens every day in this business and we are entitled to have "a bad hair day" in any business. The Sunshine Inn is still a great place to let your hair down with some friendly members of the staff, hang with your buddies after work, or just to sit and relax in an atmosphere that holds a ton of history and can take you back to the days of long gone. So take it from a local when I tell you that this ONE TIME experience isn't the normal for the Sunshine Inn. But instead of taking the word of a disgruntled reporter or mine, visit them yourselves and see. You'll be happy you did!

Sincerely,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for your response, I like to receive feedback of all kinds. First, I'm not actually a reporter. A reporter cover news and states the facts. I'm an opinion columnist, and one of the things I express my opinion about is restaurants. I HAVE reviewed nearly 100 restaurants from my own town, which is Cd'A not Spokane by the way.

I'm sure the owners of the Sunshine are just fabulous and giving and everything you mentioned. I never said they weren't. Unfortunately, in my opinion, they've got some issues to resolve with their food. For the high price we were charged, I expect more than soggy cold fried shrimp, dried up clam chowder (never did get any even though I paid for it), a salad bar with no lettuce and gray canned vegetables. I only ever state the truth in my reviews, I would never make something up just to make some random restaurant owners I don't even know look bad. What would I have to gain from that?

On the other hand, as I stated in my review, the service was great, the decor was fun, the atmosphere was warm and the bar looked like a good time. Sadly, the food itself was severely lacking. Yes, I based my opinion on one visit, but how many others have had the same bad food experience and never returned? Who has the time or money to visit a place 3 or 4 times before formulating an opinion? You eat at a place once, it's not great, and you don't really have the urge to return right away. All I can recommend is to hire a new cook and hope for the best.

I'd like to give enough credit to my readers that they have the sense to know it's only an opinion based on one visit and they can (and hopefully will) visit the Sunshine and form opinions of their own and I hope they receive the same great service and enjoy the experience as much as I did, I just hope they have better luck than I did with the food itself.

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Dear Get Out!

I want to apologize for the experience you had at the Sunshine Inn and offer you a full refund for your dinner bill. We have worked very hard to bring this Silver Valley piece of history back to life. It has been a huge undertaking and I appreciate your honesty in this review. It is unfortunate that your experience was horrible. As the owner, I was sick to read what happened. Since we opened, our food service has had excellent response from the customers and our manager Shari has developed a reputation in Kellogg that is well known for excellence.

I will bring this review to our employee meeting, and do our very best to see that this type of service and food never happens again. The customer is king in our business and we can only hope and strive to learn from this review and some day get another chance to have you walk away with a good dining experience.

Sincerely,
Tim & Cheryl Moyer

Dear Tim & Cheryl,

First off, my experience was by no means horrible. I tried to put across in my review that we had a pretty good time overall, but that the food just wasn't quite up to par. That's the truth - the service from Sky was fantastic. She had a full house and a motel front desk to handle and she was working as hard as she could. She was very pleasant and apologetic and never let the chaos get to her. I'd never been to the old Sunshine Inn, so I'm not sure what's new and what's not, but the atmosphere and decor of the place was very fine. We didn't mind the party action coming from the bar at all - it just added to the fun. Everything was clean and neat and inviting. I hope that came across in what I wrote.

Every chef has a bad day, and my column is just the opinion of one person dropping in at a random time on a random day. A big reason I had ordered the seafood combo was for the clam chowder (one of my faves) so it was saddening when I only saw dried muck at the bottom of the soup pot and was told there was no more. This was on a Friday at about 5 p.m., so you'd think it would be well stocked at that point. I certainly don't want to nitpick and the review already described the situation pretty well but I will say that the canned vegetables were a bit of a shocker. I try to be honest as possible in my reviews in the hopes that if something is amiss, it will be taken as constructive criticism and improved upon. No need to refund anything, but I will look forward to my next visit - I'm sure my meal will be much more dynamic. In fact, when that happens, I will write an update about how much improved the food at the Sunshine Inn is!

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Dear Get Out!

I read your article about the Sunshine Inn and I found it to be funny and very amusing. I spent my birthday there and had a Caesar salad late at night with no one in the restaurant but me but later danced the night away (it was on a Friday) with close friends that showed up to hear the band next door. The one good thing they had going when they first opened was that they had sweet rolls that my friend Terri was making every morning at her bakery which has now gone under for lack of customers. So the sweet rolls were not available at the Sunshine Inn, the last time I was in there.

CIAO!
Rebekah

Howdy Rebekah,

Mmm, homemade sweet rolls. That might have actually saved the day if they'd had them still when I visited the Sunshine Inn. Certainly they're a few notches higher on the yumminess scale than lukewarm deep-fried Salmon. Tell Terri she needs to fire up the oven and make some more of those to bring over here to Coeur d'Alene; I'm sure I can find a way to help her get rid of them. PS Keep on dancing!

The Sunshine Inn Restaurant Lounge

The Sunshine Inn Restaurant Lounge
301 W. Cameron Ave., Kellogg,
(208) 784-1186

The only purple hair we expected to see walking into the place was on the heads of Kellogg’s many lovely grannies. So we were mildly bewildered when we slipped out of the torrential summer rain and into the Sunshine Inn to be greeted by a smiling young waitress with shoulder-length vibrant violet locks and rocker girl gear. Her soundtrack was the corny, fist-pumping grunge of Puddle of Mudd’s “She Hates Me” which blared at a delightfully disruptive volume from the open passageway that separates the dining room from the chaos of the attached lounge.

“Anywhere you like, guys!” she hollered over the music and the outbursts of drunken laughter emanating from the just-off-work Friday bar crowd. We were cruising Kellogg looking for dinner and were drawn in by the gigantic, retro-tastic neon sign out front. Bill Woolum, whose dad poured drinks there in the 60’s, recounts his youthful memories of the place on his “Kellogg Bloggin’” website. He describes how then-owners Sig and Bunny Peterson lived in a small apartment behind the lounge and would “come right out of their residence onto the dance floor and circulate, saying hi, drinking right along with their customers, and adding a sense of cheer to the bar.” After years of increasingly seedy ownership and general neglect, the Sunshine and its attached motel sat looking sad and abandoned for a large part of this decade. Current owners Tim and Cheryl Moyer saw potential in the old beast, bringing it up to par and reopening in February 2008.

We were really just expecting burgers and fries, BLTs, tuna melts, that sort of thing. I was too caught up taking in all the oddball rummage sale bric-a-brac to get into the menu right away, but my dining partner was examining it with a dropped jaw. “Woah. Kinda spendy,” he warned. Certainly, the contents of the menu were completely incongruous with the rowdy, truck-stop atmosphere. Back in the golden days when it was known as the “Jackass Room”, it was quite a classy, steak-and-baked-potato destination dining spot. Perhaps the new owners are attempting to recreate that vibe, offering a selection of entrees mostly in the $15-20 price range. No matter, we were starved and somewhat impressed by a few of the options.

We considered an appetizer, perhaps some spinach artichoke dip or the “blistering” hot wings, but decided to nix the idea after reading that all dinners came with trips through the salad bar. It was tough to decide; maybe a nice seafood or chicken fettuccine? Or was I in the mood for Chicken Cordon Bleu, Coconut Prawns or a juicy, 16 oz. Prime Rib with sautéed mushrooms? We considered the hardcore comfort foods under “Specialties” like Chicken Pot Pie, Pork Chops and Applesauce, or Liver and Onions with Bacon. Part of me was still craving a greasy burger but alas, unless the bar side had a menu I wasn’t made aware of, it wasn’t an option,. Ultimately, I decided on the Friday “Chef’s Special”, the Clam Chowder and Seafood Platter, loftily described as a “ship of dreams.”

Sky, our purple haired waitress, breezed by to take our order. She told us to go ahead and help ourselves to the soup and salad bar while she conjured up our beverages. A man ahead of us in line lifted the lid of the soup pot and frowned in horror. “Uh Miss, I think this soup is done for.” I peered inside at an inch of a dried-up, chunky yellow sludge that had allegedly been clam chowder at some point. Sky yelled into the kitchen for a fresh batch and an unseen voice returned with “Sorry folks, we’re all out.” “Well, you can have as much salad as you like,” she offered apologetically, but the options on the bar were quite slim and only a scant few scraps of lettuce remained. “Um, it’ll be a few minutes on that one,” she said.

For some reason, I’d pictured a platter filled with fresh fish, something broiled in lemon butter, maybe crab legs or oyster shooters. I realized my error when Sky set down my plate and explained how they’d lost use of all but one deep fryer. Indeed, this “ship of dreams” was covered in breading and sailing on a sea of hot oil. Everything had to be cooked one item at a time, so the under layer of French fries and mini-shrimp was already cold, the middle layer of oysters and salmon (yes, deep-fried salmon) was lukewarm, and the top layer of cod was hot and somewhat edible (with lots of tartar sauce). Horrifyingly, my dinner pal’s Chicken Fried Steak was served with canned Veg-All, sprinkled with parmesan in an impossible, humorous attempt to make it seem “gourmet”.

We picked at our plates and as the crowd in the next room continued to audibly whoop it up, we began to wish we’d chosen to hit the bar for a liquid dinner instead. Not wanting to seem rude, we asked Sky for to-go boxes and lied “all that salad must have filled us up.” We laughed heartily at the tab, deciding it was worth the interesting experience. Thanking Sky for her efforts and relentless cheer in the face of doom, we exited the Sunshine and returned to the rain.